heatherhenry

 i want love. ugh. chad's been talking too much to me about his situations. and yes, i still am not over him. /sigh. everyone knows it, he knows it, and im not afraid to admit it anymore. i just want love. either its from him or some other boy. and yes, boy, as in a boyfriend. i want that certain someone, for me and me only.
and then another thing thats just been pissing me off is my sister. she cant do a goddamn thing with me without kim. even when she was david, she would at least hang out with just me sometimes. i seriously want just my sister and i to do stuff together, not my sister i and kim.
thatll be all for now, im sick of pouring out my heart to no one who cares. 

Heather;

Without a Heather
I would be restless
I would be scared

Without my Heather
I couldnt see the world
In the wayy she has tought me to.

My Heather,
She wont take anybodies crap
Heather can only handle so much bull.

I know alot of Heathers
but this one is my favorite
this Heather is my sun.

She brings light to my days
With the shortest spoken words
Heather is the brightest star
In a sky that shines like dimonds.

My Heather is passionate
she cares oh so much about me
and with her around
I would be heartbroken.

This is my heather, and she is mine.
And i love herr. =]

 

Thank you Kirsten. You're amazing in all ways.

 oh man i havent wrote anything in so long. im not even gonna try and catch up. but today ive been so down i need to get it out somehow.
i had two dreams last night. the first one was Tim was in my basement when i came home from somewhere. i said " so, whatcha doin here?" he says "i was going to visit a friend from illinois and i wanted to stop by." so i was like okay, this is good he cares about me somewhat i guess. i got a huge smile on my face and i sat next to him. im guessing we watched a ferw movies, talked, just had a fun hanging out time together. we hugged alot and we kissed casually like a been-together for a while couple. it was cute and it amazed me. then he says "well i got to go.." i had a frown on we hugged a last time and he left. i was crying as i watched him pull out of the driveway. then i woke up.
i know every dream has a meaning to it, and im not sure i want to know what this is. im happy with the way i am content with it. later tonight i was cooking chicken tacos for dinner, for me only, and i relized i wanted to start cooking for two. not just for any other person, but tim. i saw a flash of me in an apartment kitchen, cooking dinner for tim and i while he watched one of his favorite movies on the couch. kinda had the same feel to as when deanna and david were down in florida. although, i dont want it to ever turn like that, i relized i might wanna kick away my dream of photography for a while to be happy just having a job, and making it by with a guy that i like. i wouldnt care if we went out or not, just i think id be nice to have tim as a roomate. idk where i was going with this revilation, but i really want it.
all this might be coming from the fear that i have 2 days until im single for 2 years, and im still not over him.i dont think, i dont know. i havent been in an actual relationship after him yet. so maybe in my head, im turning to tim, a guy that i really want that ill prolly never have the chance with. i mean he is 4 years older than me, so much wiser, by the time i get to move out, he'll prolly have another girlfriend or something to change this whole thing in my head. gawd i dont know, but im so fucking lonely. 2 years now, 2 fucking years. i really cant stand it.
i know relationship shit is all there ever is in these things anymore but i dont care about anyone else. this is my live journal they are suppose to be self-ish in a way. i dont do this to please anyone else but myself. maybe i should do this in my every day life. but it never happens. im a fucking loser.

 so my sister doesnt like tim. kinda upsets me a little bit, but she doesnt know him. its been almost a month ive known him tho, and hes pretty cool. i think the thing that most concerns her is that she doesnt want me to get head over heels for a 20 year old boy living many states away. i dont blame her for trying to protect me tho. its okaay.
so now im getting to know tim a lot, and hes absolutely amazing. he's the nicest guy ive ever met hands down, and straight forward. hes laid back, cute, funny, and unnormal. he will ask me what im up to all the time and ask me how im doing; which it's always those little things that show people you care. and i haven't had someone actually care about the little things im doing in a long time. its not even annoying or anything, im thankful to have him to talk to.
then there is kaaayla. she said sometime we are going to do this more than friends thing, but i dunno if she wants to anymore. shes very distant from me. i try to like lay with her and set my head on her shoulder and she cowars away. not gonna lie it upsets me and sends me mix signals. THATS why i dont understand girls >_<
once again, dont know how i feel about being single anymore. these are two great people. one lives far away and way too old. the other would be a secret relationship and frustrating. nothing will happen between the both of them but i guess its fucking whatever.

 i met a kid this week. hes nothing special but nothing normal. im not quiet sure what he is. im not sure im stumbling yet, but i tripped a few times over him, being able to regain balance. all within one week.
im afraid of what will happen when he leaves. do we talk on and off or never at all. both situations im afraid of. i know it all together shouldnt happen and im fairly certain nothing will. although, for some reason he amazes me.
he makes me smile; not even trying. he is very quiet and a closed door, and its great when i can open him and hear the sound. should something like this be illegal? getting to know someone for a few days and fall on your face.
a single hug is all its taken to make me get those crawling insects to form into beautiful winged flightful butterflies. they haven't stopped, and i dont know when they will, and its making me sick. but making me feel immortal.
its not his appearance, its his personality that amazes me. his extreme kindness is unreal; his voice is stunning. i dont KNOW this kid, and i dont know WHAT is it about him, but hes it. just... IT.

 i am not good at prioritizing.  i cannot. OH i caaaanot. things as simple as personal hygiene, homework, and chores. i FAIL completely at the whole concept. i will sit online for hours or hang out with friends or my sister and do anything other than what im suppose to. i dont care anymore. i give the fuck up.

and yes, im freaking out over this because of all the EXAMS.

 spent the last 3 hours? talking with amanda. 
she has an idea for 3 times a week sessions just talking with her and dee.
and i really like it, but at the same time very nervous about it.
not sure how it will work or if it will at all, but im willing to try.
maybe not a whole 3 times in one week o_o (im not that screwed)
but maybe i can count on my family to help me out when i need it.
it will most deffinetly build trust... hopefully.

like i was telling her though. i dont mind being depressed, no not at all. im never dissapointed and being dissapointed is the worst feeling out of most. when im depressed (liek i really am 24/7 just never show it) im not dissapointed when anything gets worse. i relize that i deserve it and if maybe i would have done one thing different it would have changed the outcome entirely. (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button has that idea in it as well.)
as yesterday's post was about growing up, its still something i am struggling with. thought about it alot last night, and i could not fall asleep until about this time at night. i am personally afraid to get a job afraid to move forward in my life. afraid to end the school year and afraid to graduate. maybe it is because i am the baby, but that shouldnt be an excuse. i want to stay in neutral or gear it in reverse. 

im not okay. 
and im fine with that idea.

 Speeding Cars by Imogen Heap
Here's the day you hoped would never come.
Don't feed my violins, just run with me through the rows of speeding cars.
(It's hard to see yourself moving forawrd. Can you even see yourself in the future? It's not easy to see that fateful day you walk across that stage to collect your diploma.. Others wish for that day, others work towards that fateful day, but some see it as a death toll. Each year takes away more of our youth. That day will be the day the child inside me dies.)
The paper cuts, the cheating lovers, the coffee's never strong enough.
I know you think its more than just bad luck.
(There is so much you have to go through for that one day. Mental and pysical anguish all through those thirteen or fourteen years of school. You push forward through it all not knowing the day you might just give up. Shooting for that one day and the start of something new. But what if, just what if, that day never came and you were denied all you wanted.)
There, there baby, it's just text book stuff.
It's in the ABCs of growing up.
(No matter who you are or where youve been or what youve done, you cant avoid it. You age, you learn, and you grow. Its hard to accept it, but lets face it... youre grown up now.)
Now, now darling oh dont lose your head.
'Cause none of us were angels, and you know i love you yeah.
(I know it seems unreal, and i know you cant believe it, but that day has come. That fateful day youve wished for but never wanted to face. Everyone around you has been through the same shit you have. Not one soul hasn't been through that pain you've felt those many years. Just to know you're not alone makes you feel sane.)

My Interpretation of Growing Up.

 spring break is over, i have school tomorrow. and i deffinetly shouldnt be up tthis late but ah well. 
spring break was actually better than i thought it would be. im not dissapointed at all. the only person i didnt get to hang out with that i wanted to was chad, but bleh whatever. i successfully didnt stary at my house for most of the week. im pretty damn proud ov that acutally. means i do have a life and some pretty nice friends. and its a lot easier when you have a car. aunt nique did fuckin piss me off though. she just takin alania and ivory without really saying anything first. and she wouldnt let me go see maria because of "bad weather" but there was no snow on the roads. bleeeh and the kayla thing. just leeeaving me at her house. hmmph. but those are the only two things. the week was a success i must say. and im happy.
today was easter i got very full. my sister is amazing. it was an overall good time. then after i went to her house for dying eggs (kinda went backwards this year) and they were fun! but ehh i dunno all ov a sudden i feel all lonely again. i think its any time i see deanna and how damn happy she is with kim. its not like i dont want to hang out with them, i love them both. but everytime im with them i get my little crying spells back it seems. they are such great sisters though. 
but of corse, i still want a boy/girlfriend. 

i have noticed simply that im getting further down the hole everyday with depression because of my single status. it shouldnt be this way, but i dont know how to stop it. spring break is coming and thats apparently suppose to be fun. i can guarantee i will be spending most of my days alone sitting around the house. the only little thing i have to look forward to right now is frenchie &sarah day. but idunno when.
i might be falling back on kay. im lonely i suppose, and the love shes showed me a long time ago i think will shine out again. i know deep inside that will probably not be the case, but i long for it. i do like this girl, and i feel really bad about it. its not the fact i feel i "shouldnt" like her, its that i know i cant get her but i love her.
fucked up?

took deanna's comment in for this one:
i havent been looking for love. i have been waiting, and thats whats driving me mad. ive gotten no where in over a year waiting, just waiting, for someone to come along. no one has and im deathly afraid no one will.
ive learned alot of about me in this time period. some qualities i dont like, some qualities i do, and some i need to work on. i know no one could ever be perfect, and im not striving for that. but there must be something about me everyone doesnt like. i mix things up sometimes to try and pin point that thing and i havent found it. im not saying i would change it, because i dont want to change me i just would like to know what it is.
making new friends online does nothing for me really. if anything i may sit me in front of the computer more often sucking out every bit of life i may have left in my body. it is nice sometimes, and sometimes i may have to go to lengths to get these "friends," but the computer sucks the life out of me until i become horridly depressed.
having fun is something im not very familar with. i always have something in the back of my head holding me back for alot that i do. it is a lack of self confidence, and im not sure i can change that for as i think ive reached my peak in confidence. it does hold me back in everything i do no matter how hard i try.
quick FAQS:
-still no call back on any jobs.
-barely hang out with my friends.
-made kiran a new friend.
-my phone battery life is dying.
-im starting to get depressed again. WooT.

i want a boyfriend. i want a girlfriend.
its that simple really, but simple is never easy. its been well over a year sense chad and i, its very depressing. im getting into "missing chad" again. he is deffinetly my little brother, but i feel like if we worked harder at it, we couldve had a good relationship. and ive always said if i could go back in time i would go to the beginning of 8th grade and do it different, but not too much. just relive and make a change here and there. he makes me laugh non-stop and he is an overall great guy. i dont even care what people think anymore at all. he is my first and only love.
but my first sexual relationship was ana. i knew i wasnt getting myself into anything good, but it felt so right. i "loved" her sure, for like the first 3 months then knew it wasnt right because we couldnt tell anyone of us because of her parnoia. i wouldnt have give a shit, but she did so that actually says something there. im not sure what i was thinking, im not cut out for any girls like that. and idk what im talking about either.
im tired of being lonely, i say it enough.

its painful sleeping alone.
its painful living alone.
its painful crying alone.
its painful being alone.

ive been for really alone my whole life. ive had some flings here and there, but thats it. i havent shown much emotion about anything for a while now because i just dont care. i got over my stupid fucking crush with sean. ive been waiting so long for someone to come to me. 16 years worth actually, and ive succeded with nothing. more than anything, i want to break down and just really open up and admit that im very depressed from the lack of love i recive from anyone outside my family. right now i deny that i care cause "its just high school", when i just want one person to spend a realtionship with.
chad. i call him my first love and i do belive he will always be, but what we had wasnt real. it was all not in real life, but i do love the kid like a brother, it wasnt there enough to let me call it a relationship. darian. it lasted a week, and the whole thing was pretty much trying to make kayla jealous. while we succeded, it wasnt about us, so no i dont consider that a relationship either. steven. we used each other easy and simple. he was trying to get over his old girlfriend, and i think i was trying to prove to myself that i could maybe hold a realtionship with someone. we both failed, and once again not based on us, so i dont consider that a real realtionship either.
then there were the flings. ana. im closest to this girlin the sexual ways. her and i have had sex twice in the past two years i believe, and shes the only one ive ever been intimate with. she was my first girl kiss, and she was my first for alot, but we were never in a realtionship together for what we had were only the nights alone once a year. jayjay. it was a one night, one day thing only. my 15th birthday party with him was my first boy kiss, and a huge mistake. the next friday he tried making out with me, and it grossed me out to major extremes. but there was nothing there, never would have been.
and yeah, i think im having a crisis here too. ana dissapointed me in bed on my birthday alot, so im very ifffy on if im lesbian l like i say i am. but then when a guy tries to make out with me, i get grossed out and cant progress from there, which takes away im straight. so what am i? i havent really fully experienced both sides yet, i understand, but as it is right now, it doesnt look good. ( TMI )i want someone i can hug everyday, someone to kiss everyday, and someone to talk to everyday. someone who can look into my eyes and not jump on anything, just to just listen to me. im not as picky and this may sound, im really in just a big need of one person to myself that i can trust and express everything upon, but it will never happen...

im tired of being lonely every minute second of my life.

this is an out of the blue thing, but haha porn. yeah karra and i talk about it alot for some reason lol. uhmm, watching it tho and talkin about it makes me relize something to my advantage.
i dont like getting ate out, i like the making out and eating someone else out.
or i just havent found the right girl (probably..) but thats what ive came to already. really random i know, but thought i needed to put it down. i need someone to kiss everyday. gah, thats all i want right now more than anything. ill come back &talk about that later.

meh ive been relatively busy this week with kayla and the decorating, ive got geometry, art, and child development homework. will i do it? tonight, prolly not. ive been really bad and iddk. i dont care right now cause i have so much in my head. i need a little bit of time to get some of it out. i even shut off AIM for this.
so my birthday is in 2 days. well at the end of the night, one more day but yeah. im excited to be 16 but the responsibility scares the hell out of me. i let my gas get to LOW FUEL already. im so fuckin dumb. i feel very unresponsible and that getting a job and being 16 will scare me so much. i might be able to handle it, thank god i have a sister.
most of this is gonna be this subject: SEAN. he just told me about 15 minutes ago thaaat he isnt going to tell anyone anything personal anymore. aaaand i wanna shoot myself in the head now. woot! ive really barely talked to him this week compared to when we hung out like every day for a month or so. its not fucking cool, not cool at all. i dont have that many people i can trust to talk about everything with. and now that he wont tell me his shit, i cant tell him my shit cause its a one way conversation. FUCK one way conversations. i miss him kind of really. its draggin me back into depression woo. i can feel my crying spells come on again.
kayla has helped me alot this week actually. i can talk to her and she makes me feel really loved. haha she told me that she had a lesbian sex dream about me in the basement. and she said she will prolly become single and gay one day and would be with me. (cause i told her i would be with her for sure, shes known that for a long time.) that makes me super happy, but everything with sean just complicates me beign happy. but kay deffinetly does make me feel loved, and it feels good. i dunno what ima do when she moves to traverse city.
my sister said when she went on a break with kim, that i would be her new best friend and have to hang out with her all the time. but all ive gotten out of it was her picking me up from school, like she did before, her downloading song on the computer, like she did before, and going to lunch with her and parents on valentines. not much has changed i guess and i thought it would. idk, it was a break with her and kim, but i saw it as a little opening to recconect closer with my sister and i havent seen that. i would say she is focusing on other things like her job and such, but i dont know anymore.
i think i might be 'ashamed' of having sex with ana? i dont know really. uhmm, i guess its that i cant get straight sex, only lesbian sex. i want sex badly, the dreams ive been having dont help it any either. (baaad baaad dreams.) so yeah i guess its not like i would go and have sex with any total random guy but i have a wide range i would go for. i want sean, garrett, tony, chad, and more good lookin guys. but i have no chance, so i got ana. and i feel like i just use her, if i wanted sex from a girl that i cared about, itd prolly be kay.
i need to clean my room, pick up the basement more, go grocery shopping, do all regular chores, take a shower, study lil for written drivers test, homework, and whatever else tomorrow. im gonna be fuckin worn out and stressed out. my sister may take me to olive garden, but i kinda doubt that happening if she has amanda and nate.
im so fuckin lonely.

hes what i want.
hes what i cant have.
&it deteriorates me.

this is gonna be a long one, with lots of random rambling.

sean. yes him of course. i longg to see him everyday. when i dont something is never right about my day. he knows how to make me happy and he knows how to be an amazing friend. and thats all im ever gonna get, and idk how i feel about this yet. i was first very let down about it, then perfectly fine with it, but now im not so sure about anything.
he said that rachel and him were "the same person." i dont know how he doesnt notice that we are too. same music, same issues, very creepy similar. &then he wanted to go out with rachel he likes her whyy not me? huh. im very confuzzeled about that. there must have been more to it that he never told me.
he says he does not wants someone from flushing, he says that but he likes "[name]". so once again, im confuzzeled here. he doesnt really hang out with her but in 3rd hour i think it is. while i see him in the morning, after 4th and 5th hour, and almost every day after school. how can he not?!
we shared very close &personal stuff with each other. he says hes never told anyone about some of the things, only me. so why? he oviously can trust me enough to tell me all his feelings about everything and anything, why cant he trust me to be a good girlfriend?
hes never really told me straight why he doesnt like me. he says "because i just dont think of you that way." there is a reason for you not thinking of anyone in any way, he wont tell me. if he would straight up tell me, i think i could be content. even if he says "its because im not physically attrated to you. youre fat." or how ever he could say it, i want to know more than anything.
the hug he gave me yesterday night, was the best hug ive ever gotten in my life. even tho it was like he was a sleep, i felt in control with his limp body. (sounds bad, but it wasnt.) as i rested my head on his shoulder i felt more safe &confortable then ive ever been. im not saying its love, but im saying there is something there that could be more than what it is now, &i want to explore that.
i want to be inside this kid's head. i want to be within him, within himself. he means more to me than i have ever thought anyone could be to me. (except my sister) i have so many emotions running everywhere through my body and not just my head.

it's a fuckin JIMMY oh yeaaah. dark blue, and awesome.
but i felt like a bitch when i got in it. i just complained about how it wasnt four door, and how it squeeks driving. yeah that was bad of me. really bad. i feel like a huge douche but my heart is racing cause im so happy yeah! haha.

&IT WILL FIT CHAD'S DRUMSZZZ.

stop looking ahead &pay attention to whats right in front of you.
sometimes people need to just stop where they are and focus their eyes closer. what you want, what you need, and what would make you happy might be right there. its quite simple, but all us humans are stubborn to where we wont admit our mistakes. just learn from them, and move on past to the greater and better.

okay yes, im not saying this point towards just sean, but everyone. everyone i know lately just has been fuckin shit up. ive got alot through my head about having to take my driving test, my birthday party shit goin on, if jolts is even going to play?, and so much aaah. plus i just got through my exams and i dont know if i passed all my classes er not yet. but im pretty positive i did.
i miss my sister right now.
sean is a dumbass to me. hes came home today all depressed because "no one cares about him." i told him i did and i do all the time and he oviously doesnt give a shit. if he wants people to care, then it shouldnt matter who the fuck it comes from. and hes thinking about quantaty not quality and thats the worst mistake you can make about human beings. &the kid gets upset of the dumbest little things, he needs to get help with his anger. but ah he makes me super happy weather he tries to or not.
but im sure this will all fade out eventually.

FACT: I like qudobas better than alejandros.
i hung out with my wonderful sisters! yeayy. it was cool. but man am i DONE with mexican food for a while. alejandros was nice, it was pretty cheep too. but damn, qudobas burritos, WTF, awesome. they are huge and delicious haha.i hate that my parents dont like mexican food, thats screwed up. like they are racist against beaners. they eat chineese and subway, they arent racist agains chineese and fat people. haha.
my sisters let me go pick up sean and take him to qudobas with us too. haha we were virgins of this awesome food. then we took him to see the zoo. 4 turtles, 2 rats, 3 dogs, 1 snake, 1 cat, and 3 people. haha. he thought it was just crazy. then we had to get him back to home for jacob. the cool thing, my sister let just me drive the car to his house. we put on Tick Tick Boom and jammed out the way there. yes! den i listened to some red stripes on the way back.
hmm, well after they left i did some stuffs on internets, then i went over tah kaylas. where the whole time she was talking to nate. and all these boys other people. but it was cool, we just talked alottt. she told me of how much she "loves" nate, and i told her how i am with sean. she says that sean and i are like the same person with different genders. and she said that we are cute haha and how shes thinks it cute i like him. which is cool i guess. i tried super hard to get him out of my head and not talk about him, but its hard when she talks about nate non-stop.
kim, dee, amanda, and kayla are convinced he likes me. which convinces me, but it makes it worse. he says he doesnt like me, so i belive him. (although hes never bluntly said, i dont like you.) but the way he acts around me and shit, it always makes meh second guess myself. i dont care either way anymore. i just want him to tell me face to face wtih no one around he doesnt like me. i truthfully dont know if he could. and if he could, i would be able to tell if he was lying. thats all i wanna know!
oh dude, oviously we had a cold day other wise i wouldnt have had off friday for qudobas. but yeah, it was so cold they had to call off school, its that awesome. the day before my sister and i did the cold dance like mr.tippet told us to and it worked! haha. the only thing that sucks is i dont have my history book to study from. not like im really going to study all that much, but its nice to have the option.
yesterday, at kayla's i wrote this...
Should if anything happens.
stop me. hold me back.

im getting into the deep end.

let me in. not too much.

i don't want the disappointment.

hug me. lend me your jacket.

im hypnotized by the certain odar.

take my hand. your fingers in between.

i feel the perfect fit with your hand.

hold me close. don't let go.

i want to feel your constant touch.

this isn't easy. this hurts me.

i need to go before its too late.
it isnt towards sean i guess, but it could be. its just in general. i want a relationship goddamnit.

yesterday, sean stopped me before i got on the bus because he wanted me to hang out with him and do homework. i called my ma she said okay. we went into the library and they were closing in 7 minutes, so were like FUCK it. thats dumb so we left to find jacob and devon. i personally hung out with them for about 10 minutes, then i found a corner by the small gym and let sean hang out with em until caleb came and picked the two up. i got through most my homework when they left and sean came back to find me.
we started with small talk but it gradually got bigger. [thats what she said] everytime we moved to a subject though, he found a way to put dana in it some how. i swear he still likes the girl, but he says he just misses being in a relationship. idk tho dude, he seemed to talk about her way more than he noticed. well anyways, this kid is amazing. we spent 2 hours, waiting for my ma to pick us up, just talking. and it was almost the best thing ive ever experianced.
i feel comfortable around sean. i can talk to sean about everything, except how my real feelings are towards him. but i can still tell him that i want to have sex with him cause we are both horney bastards haha. we always happen on the subject of being horney, and wanting sex before its too late and we become whores. if i can talk openly with him, face to face, about sex, then i feel like i can tell this kid anything. he doesnt judge you is the best thing. he knows how to give you positive and truthful feedback. and he knows alot more than youd think, and he and i are alike in alot of ways. sean has almost put my depression to a hault, which i can never thank anyone enough for.
well then my mother showed up and we went to the medical weight loss clinic. it was fun believe it or not. i lost 1.5 pounds and he made a wall with humpty dumpty. yeayy. haha. and afterwards was the best because my ma agreeded to take us into guitar center, and im positive that made his day lol. my ma never been in there and she thought it was super cool. she likes the bongos and keyboards. haha i love the synthesiszers! my ma liked em too and lets hope next christmas will be a good christmas! haha. but sean was showing off his skills to a little kid and his father. sean just kicks major ass.
im not sure if i liek sean as much as i said before, but hes a super big part of my life now. hes an absolute amazing friend and i dont want anything to ruin that. hes just amazing in so many wayyys.

i get to hang out with dee &kim tomorrow. im so happy. i miss them. i love them! i get to go to alejandros and qudobas too!